This is my study break

2 weeks overdue but:


Get cho fire BANG by ~prinnydo0d on deviantART

You know the drill... i have some official things to take care of.

Firstly, my blog tagboard's shit hit the fan. So i got another. Help me fill it up please. Everytime you tag, i mercy kill a dying horse named Bluestreak. Or maybe Sugarlump. I forget.

To Ming Tiong, thanks for always reading my blog. I'm glad that it is of interest to you. I would say more, but my sister ruined my train of thought by singing "Bicycle, biiiicycle, i want to ride my bicycle.






....BICYCLE! BICYCLE!!!"


Terence, i quote your blog:

Ps. "Oh Boohoo cry me a river, bitch"
was widely used by twang kuanyi.
its an honour to be able to use it in my blog.
AS IF YOU BITCH.
CRY ME A RIVER.

And i just had to ask. Are you hitting on me?

Aaaanyway. Now that thats out of the way. This is my study break. Just so you all know i'm working really hard on a report which was due yesterday. I have dedicated alot of time to it and my brain started to hurt so i'm taking a break. Here's what i have so far.

The Service Level Agreement Structure

SLAs can be divided into 3 structure levels: Service based, Customer based and Multi-level SLAs.

So. Where was I? Oh, i haven't started yet. This is like one of those bad movies with like, a 1/2 an hour prologue and only after the dramatic music plays does the title of the movie show up.

My Superior Inferiority Complex.
I'm better than you... i think.

AIGHT NO MORE SIDETRACKING!!!!

Today i was reading about my star sign, Leo (August 4th, if anyone cares) and do they ever know how to spread butter inbetween my ass cheeks. (Thats a new phrase i made up, clever me) Here are some interesting extracts:

The Leo type is the most dominant, spontaneously creative and extrovert of all the zodiacal characters. In grandeur of manner, splendor of bearing and magnanimity of personality, they are the monarch's among humans as the lion is king of beasts.

In simple english, I pwn you n00bs.

They have powerful intelligence and are of a broad philosophical, sometimes religious, turn of mind.

I am a genius.

Their faults can be as large in scale as their virtues, and an excessively negative Leonian can be one of the most unpleasant human beings imaginable, displaying extreme arrogance, autocratic pride, haughtiness, and excessive hastiness of temper. *If jealously suspicious of rivals, they will not hesitate to use cunning, lies and trickery to discredit them.

*That's not true. I use cunning, lies and trickery everyday on everyone! But you all just don't know it. Cos i'm really cunning. And good at lying. And i'm a tricky dicky.

"...unlimited sexual lust.."
Now that's just not true.

Your ruling planet is the SUN.

Your starstone is the rich red RUBY, known as a stone of nobility.

Leo is also associated with the Greco-Roman god Apollo and sometimes also the gods Helios/Sol, Ra, and Huitzilopochtli and the goddess Sunna.

.... I AM GOD!!!!!!!

See what i mean? huge ego trip. But anyway, in all honesty i don't believe that the day or time you are born determines who you become. I know alot of lame Leos. Like sexy, who said kenny xia's blog is funnier than mine. But anyway, yeah, all those things don't matter! Don't restrict who you are to what old people with beards who look through telescopes tell you to be. =)

Oh. And they drink, and beat up their children and sodomize each other with their telescopes.

Dreamin' and Singin'

Dreaming and singing, laughing
Crying and dancing
Falling in love
Subete ga chippoke na tsumi kasane
Atsumetara todoku to omou no
Kimi to onaji toki wa itsumo meguru

Kimura Kaela is my new WACHAAAA!
She is super cute and cool.
I have watched her PVs like, a bajillion times.
It should be a crime to be that cute. Here
is a picture of her.


A GODDESS. SHE IS A GODDESS.

The song playing in the background is her second single, Happiness!! I am a sucker for cheerful girls who dance like retards.

Anyway, Kimura is my new WACHAAA!!! for more reasons than that. Today i woke up after watching her PVs like, 10 times last night. I woke up with the song stuck in my head, and i felt freakin cheerful. I retarded danced to my bathroom. And up my stairs. And all the way to my bus. And when i found out my bus left without me, I retarded danced 1km down my long road and continued retard dancing on the bus (which i think seriously freaked out the girl sitting next to me, but whatever! She ain't my new WACHAAA!!!) All while listening to Happiness!!

Anyway, when i reached school i found out that there was no NE today (retard danced) and also later another class got cancelled (more retard dancing ensued.) Then i went to the arcade with ZS and robin, which was really fun. Then i went for dinner with my family to a new restaurant in Turf City. I tell ya, that place is run by commies. They had like a portrait of Mao Tze Tong in their lobby. And pictures of China Soldiers everywhere. And all the waiters and waitresses were chinese. Yeah, i'm chinese too, but they are like, China Chinese. I'm Singaporean Chinese. BIG DIFFERENCE. But the commie chef cooked really good crab, so i let that slide.


My disgusting perversion towards retard girls and my fear of commies aside, a thought struck me today. Thoughts strike me everyday, like the formula for the cure for cancer, and Colonel Sander's secret recipe, but this one was a really good one. It was:

What am i going to do when i get a girlfriend.

I always think of getting one, but i never really thought about what i would do once i hook one in and land her in the boat, and gut her, and fry her up. I spent alot of time thinking about stuff i'd like to do with her (whoever she is). Well firstly when i get a girlfriend i will get her to dance my victory dance infront of all the people who said i'd never get a girlfriend. Thats alot of people, i hope she ain't flat footed. Anyway here is my list:

I wanna take her to a scary movie so i can leap into her arms and cry like a little girl.

I wanna take her to a romantic movie, because i don't bring my own tissue paper and she can hold me when i cry.

I wanna go to a quiet place and share a pair of earphones with her (she gets right and i get left) and listen to all my favourite songs. Oh yeah and hers.

I wanna go with her to East Coast Park and take her to the top of the spider's web (the red pyramid thing) and we will shake the net so all the little kids at the bottom will cry.

I wanna go to Changi Airport and sit in the sky train with her for one hour going back and forth.

I wanna take her to my house and play on my PS2 with her and own her in all the games i rock at. The games i suck at will, of course, be hidden under my bed.

I wanna tell her i wanna draw her, and get her to pose all pretty, then i'll just stare at her for an hour and at the end of it i'll draw a stick figure.

I wanna take her clubbing, and we'll retard robot dance till no one wants to dance next to us.

I wanna take her to the beach, and we'll pick starfish. Then we'll throw em at each other, like starfish shurikens.

I wanna round up all the neighborhood dogs, harness em and attach a sled, and take her on the most romantic ride of her life.

I wanna take neoprints with her. But those are expensive, so we'll just stick our heads in other people's pictures and ask if we can get half the stickers for half the price.

I wanna stick her toes in mashed potatoes and gently suck on each one of them.

The last one was a lie just to check if you have been readin my long list or just skimming, HARRRR.

So.... any takers?

...No?

.....You're all Lesbians.

How about a nice, big cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP

ZOMG i played the best arcade game ever. Its called Afterburner or something, didnt really see. But basically you are a fighter pilot and when you pilot the plane your chair tilts left and right depending on how hard you barrel roll. I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest, or maybe that was nausea, i dunno. But still, super awesome. Totally worth $2.

Anyway, people always compliment me on being funny. It's taken years of training, because everyone knows good looking guys dont have to be funny. Us uggos need actual personalities. So here i am gonna teach ya the fundamentals of making the best jokes everrrr!!!

I can narrow being funny down to 4 main points, which i have appropriately acronymed:

A.R.S.E
Anticipate, Repeat, Smile, and Enunciate.

Anticipate: Always prepare and know what your "target" is going to say. Predict his next line, and appropriately prepare a counter phrase!
Example:
Me: Hey Shirley, what are your plans for National Day?
Shirley: Dunno, maybe sleep at home?
Me: HAHAHA AS IF YOU CAN CELEBRATE SINGAPORE NATIONAL DAY YOU MALAYSSIAAAAN

Repitition: Sometimes a joke which sucks the first time is TOTALLY UNBEARABLY HILARIOUS THE SECOND. And third. Possibly indefinitely. That's where "Inside jokes" come from. Doesnt sound like it, but its true. I'm totally serious.
Example:
Me: You love (name withheld) right Godwin!
Godwin: That's not even funny.
(1 year later)
Me:GODWIN LOVES (name withheld)
Everyone: LOLOLOL

Trust me, it's alot funnier in real life.

Smile: A smile can make or break a joke. Sometimes a joke calls for not laughing. Sometimes it does. Always laughing at your own jokes makes you lame. Laughing and then stopping to point a middle finger? Classic.

Enunciate: If you tell a joke, NO MATTER HOW SUPER KILLER IT IS, it ALWAYS falls flat if the person doesnt get it the first time. Proper pronounciation is everything.
Example:
Me: WHAT IS CHICKEN OUTSIDE, FISH INSIDE?
Anyone: I dunno, what?
Me: ayam brand tuna
Anyone: huh? what?
Me: AYAM BRAND TUNA
Anyone: Ohhhh, ok. haha.

Let's be honest, the ayam brand tuna joke is a super killer.

REMEMBER: ARSE!


P.S: Hotmale's GF is really nice! Wish them the best of luck, and that their relationship can survive NS ^o^

Yaw gon learn char-neeze

I went back to my secondary school for it's closing down ceremony, and it was... uhh, whats' the word... starts with an N... n....nnnn.... nostalgi...no wait, NAUSEOUS, yeah that's the word. I had to smile at everyone and tell them to "Go with Christ". When actually most of 'em should go with Satan. Every teacher who i went to talk to remembered me though, mostly because i rained hell upon them. It's the student's who traumatise you who you never forget ;)

Course, there was plenty 'o good stuff too.

Everyone was like, ooh, ahh, so tall, and i got this huge ego boost, which is totally cool. Anyway today i practiced a coupla ways to introduce yourself to people you have not seen in a long time. Lemme spread the wealth, like i spread cheese all over my jam tarts.

1) I went up to an old classmate looking like im hiding from the FBI or something. After he said "hi", i replied with "Is it obvious?" And he was like "Is what obvious?" and i said "That i'm the coolest person in this school, HARRRR"

I got punched in the gut pretty hard, so scratch that.

2) I went up to another guy from my class and i said "OH MY GOD, i was so excited to see Patrick i kissed him on the lips. Is that considered gay?" and he was like super uncomfortable and he was like saying "Uhh yeah i think it is" And i kept looking at his lips and saying "IT'S BEEN AGES SINCE I LAST SAW YOU" and he was like backing away, then i like darted towards him and i swear he totally freaked. HAHAHA AWESOME!

Oh yeah, and i had a random conversation with a girl and she told me she did some surfing in Melbourne. So i started humming the beach boys song that goes "dang dang dang dang dang" Not very helpful BUT YEAH it is that surfer song, and i peer pressured her into pretending she was surfing in our canteen. AWESOME!


Oh yeah, and everyone kept telling me i should get a girlfriend. OH PLEASE! Even Val on MSN just told me to just "vaL. ; crap shit. says:
then go get a gf lor."

THEY SAY LIKE JUST GO MAMAK SHOP AND BUY ONE FOR TEN CENTS.

I AM SUPER DISPLEASED, THAT THEY SEE WOMEN AS SUCH MATERIAL OBJECTS AND THEY DO NOT CONSIDER THE FEELINGS OF THE GIRLS AT ALL.

Maybe that line will help me reel in the babes ;P

My cancer hurts

Hello once again, i just watched the latest episode of South Park and i LOVED IT, BEST EPISODE EVER. Because unpredictability in a storyline is what is so lacking nowadays. Same goes for writing. The true test of a writer is unpredictability and not knowing how the sentence is going to end. This means that you somet-


That aside for now, today i want to make a quick list of types of people who i dont like. I know stereotyping is not good, but these bastards deserve it. TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT

1. People who make references to poultry when i talk about "hot chicks" and laugh like they are the most goddamn funny people on earth.
2. Channel 8 drama writers. How is it that they can use the same basic plot for every single show since 1990??! Family with all hot girls cept the oldest, starts out happy and carefree, but then the family meets with an unbelievably large series of unfortunate events, but somehow everything works out in the end, they open a new restaurant/get married/ have a baby/ all of the above, and end the series with ribbon cutting infront of new said restaurant. LAME.
3. People who go "THE CEILING" when you ask them what's up. And then of course, they laugh like they are the goddammniest funny people on earth.
4. People who think i am lame. I am not lame. Unless by lame you mean "Super totally awesome, sweet, and SUPER cool." Calling me lame when i am in fact, Super totally awesome, sweet, and SUPER cool makes you look Super lame, lame, lame, and SUPER lame. Faggot.
5. I... i-i think we should have a rule. Lists dont have to be 3/5/10/20/50/100 items long. We should be allowed to stop at 4 if we only have 4, right?

Anyway, i thought of a totally awesome plot for a new Channel 8 drama. There are no murder scenes, drunken rape scenes, sister slapping scenes, or any other slapping scenes, no suicidal girls, no ribbon cutting, no loan sharks, and no Xie Shaoguang. Wanna see such a script? OKAY LETS GO!!!

speling is fnu

Oh crap.

Have you ever had the feeling that you had something totally awesome to blog about, then forgot?

Oh wait, nevermind it just came back to me. But before that i have some official things to take care of, a few pubic- publick- public announcements.

Firstly whenever i typo publick, its obligatory that i go WHO WANTS A TASTE.

Secondly, this is to whoever the "Annoymous" who posted in my tagboard is.

I was deeply moved by your post, the words were like poetry attached to an arrow and shot through my heart. Actually, your words were like crap slung through a slingshot which hit me in the crotch. But i got the last laugh! You can't even spell Anonymous! Maybe you mean to be Annoying, i don't know you. I never claimed to. Seeing as how you are Anonymous.

Thirdly, to all of you who read my blog but don't tag, not forcin ya to, i mean hay guys we're all friends and theres no I in TEAM but the more you tag the more i write so GODDAMN TAG OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL RIP YOUR HEARTS OUT AND FEED YOUR CARCASSES TO... i can't think of any threathening animals on hand, my house doesn't have cable so i don't watch Animal Planet.

Lastly, because my minions demanded it i added a little song player thingy in my blog. Anyone who says i have bad taste in music SO HELP ME GOD I WILL PUNCH YOU SO HARD IN THE CROTCH YOU WILL SUDDENLY FORGET YOU HAVE A RELIGION AND PRAY TO EVERY KNOWN GOD IN THE GALAXY. (btw i love jazzy songs by suave guys. They make my heart melt.)

Anyway back to the story thing. Sorry this post is going to be so long you could have an outer body experience, take a crap and come back and still be reading it but It's a really awesome story. It has everything. It has Me. Me in any situation makes for an awesome story. Why, even Me brushing my teeth is epic and definitely 4-part novel turned successful movie with eventual tv series spinoff-worthy.

Annnnyway, today school ran till 6pm and our teacher gave us a break at 5pm, so i took the chance to slip out for a quick drink at the vending machine downstairs. There aren't any people around Block S at 5pm, and i proceeded to buy a can of Sprite Ice (Not a fave drink, but vending machines arent renowned for their wide selection of beverages) and proceeded to open it infront of the lift.

Only that someone must have been humping the vending machine, because my Sprite Ice erupted all over me. My pants, my hands, and the floor. So as i stood there in a totally empty hallway with Sprite Ice still spewing out of the can, and as i wondered if things could get any worse, they did. 2 girls walked past.

So picture this. You are with your friend walkin' and talkin' about, oh i don't know what girls talk about, what's the latest look for fall, or how at the previous "Single and Available Girls of 2006" meeting the vito to generally boycott me was once again passed, AGAIN I DON'T KNOW TAKIN' SHOTS IN THE DARK HERE, anyway imagine you were walkin' and talkin' and you stop infront of a lift and you see some dorky kid in a disturbing haircut with a red pro-communist shirt, in a pair of wet pants with a can of spewing over Sprite Ice. Oh, with a facial expression that says "Oh God, so that's how. That's how this situation could possibly be worse. And i'm even smiling abit because my crotch feels cold." What would you do in such a situation?


Personally, i would mace me. Pepper spray, stun gun, beat when down, accept medal for apprehending world's creepiest loser. But no. One of the girl's smiled sweetly and offered me a piece of tissue.

You'd think such an act of kindness would touch my heart, and turn me away from my evil ways, but sadly no not really. I'm freakin' thankful, but not changed. Need something more drastic to change. Like a close encounter with death, or a vision of Hell.

Maybe there is a balance. Like for every Angel in the world, there is a Devil. Or like for how every pants wetting dork there is a girl with a piece of tissue.

That's my big story! If you are moved to tears, please make a payment out to Twang Kuanyi. I have PayPal. Okay, not really. But i wish i did. AND BUY MY DAMNED DVD OF SAID INCIDENT.

I gonna slappa your face

Every thousand blog posts, comes a blog post so moving,
so inspirational,
and so tear jerking,
That the world is in awe of it's magnificence and the post goes down forever in the history books.

This is not one of those posts.

Nuh uh.

Today i was home alone all day. There was nothing for me to do, save for slapping aftershave on my face and screaming infront of my mirror. Naw, i was super sick today (cough up phlegm with blood-super sick) So i was basically a comatose patient. Ain't much to do around here, and a certain gay said that he enjoys reading my blog when he is bored at work, so i decided to whip out a special post for all ma homies. Let it never be said that Kuanyi does not answer to the cries of his minions!

today i shall mimic the writing style of all the blogs i frequent, using the above paragraph as a rough guide. LETS KICK THIS PIG!

Zhan Sheng's Blog
Distinctive features: No use of capital letters or punctuation

hello blog today i was home alone okie i abit bored like the movie home alone LOL but then it because i very sick so i stay home today ming tiong say my blog very funny i abit happy so i write more gd and make u all happy y i dunno LOL i like to drink waterlemon juice

Terence's Blog
Distinctive features: Excessively huge font sizes for t3h win
Today i was ALONE.

so SICK.

GOD, PLEASE HELP ME RECOVER.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.


Well those are the only 2 who have distinct styles :/ if any of you see any unique posting styles, keep me informed so i can rip on them.

Hope i recover tomorrow.

Till next time, ride safe, and stay off drugs.

I'm not here to judge, i already decided you are a jackass.

So.


I went to Terence's big Danzation (not coming out of the closet ceremony) yesterday, and i have to say, he rocked pretty hard. I know, damn, he practices like, everyday, but i didn't expect him to be THAT good. I'm somewhat envious of his dancing thing, but i still have my drawing thing >_> cept my drawing thing doesnt help me hook up with chicks...


God damn you, terence.

P.S: Your facial expressions need work. You looked bored :/ other wise really cool. heh.

P.S.S: Mommy's Boy of the year 2005 called, he wants his title back. HA HA HA.

P.S.S.S: Your performances inspired me, hope to do some cool art soon.


Oh yeah, Daphne Khoo sang like 4-5 songs, which was pretty cool, only i saw her all the time at MediaCorp. I think seeing celebs dont surprise me no more =[

That's all i have to write, everything else that happened after that is not worth blogging about. Not because it was boring, but i dont like dissin' people in my blog. Heh.

Cept you, terence. you are special. I'm gonna go spread gay propoganda in your blog now HARRRR JASSOOOOON

Lurk MOAR

My Dad: Aiyun, come talk to me for awhile, we haven't really talked for some time.
My little sister: NOT NOW PA, I'M GOING TO TALK ON THE PHONE TO MY BOYFRIEND.
My Dad: ;_;


So anyway the routine is getting old. I tell you about fucked up things i do to mess with people, add a brief possibly-humorous tagline and pray u all rofl. Well no more. I won't spoonfeed you fags anymore. Instead lets play a game. It's called "Guess Kuanyi's Motives!" Basically, i'll tell you what i did, and you try to guess why. Try to see within the mind of a psychotic enigma.

1) I told some visiting JC students that "Only people who pay NYP school fees are allowed to use our elevators."

Reason: _______________________

2) I repeatedly called our Class Rep gay for 2 hours, severely crushing his self-esteem.

Reason: _______________________

3) I made an elaborate "skip off school 4 hours early" plan, but wussied out when i reached my school gate.

Reason: _______________________

4) I beat up Godwin with a bunch of friends, after which i declared we have become "Blood Brothers" after having forged "deep friendship on the battlefield".

Reason: ______________________

5) I sat on the floor in Newton MRT, dressed like a guy who just got fired and ate instant noodles, staring intently at people who stared at me.

Reason: ______________________

Did you attempt to understand the way i think?! Didja?! Ready for the answers? Here ya gooo!

1) Because i hate visiting JC students.
2)Because it is fun.
3)Because i suddenly didnt feel like it.
4)Because i like punching.
5)Because i wanted to see who would be more embarassed, me or them.

I'm not all that complex after all, am i O_o Anyway i think having a good reason to do something is not necessary. If i can get so much as a snigger i would totally beat up a kid and steal his ice cream.


Anyway, tabulate your score.
0 points: You don't know jack! No, no it is figurative speech, my name is not Jack. anyway, GTFO.
1-2 points: If you know me, i'm embarassed to know you. Cos all my bastard friends..
3-4 points: ..know me this well.
5 points: This is probably me taking my own test. In which case, hey good looking.

That took longer than expected, i will now go check if the kid i beat up and whose ice cream i stole is still breathing.

*snigger*

In your face world

(Click to enlarge pic, it is somewhat related to my post. And it's funny.)


Today i watched Constantine the movie in the library, and i'm proud to announce i did NOT jump at the part when the bus came out honking super loud.

Even tho i did the first time.

I think experiences make us so much stronger. Once bitten twice shy.

NOT REALLY!!!!

I still jump every single time i watch The Mummy (the part where the corpse suddenly comes to life and rooars)

I still cannot tie my shoelaces so that they don't come out after <100 steps.

I'm still a cocky $%@^$#@!!!!


Anyway lotsa stupid stuff happened today. I went to school at noon today, thinking i was 10mins late, when actually i was 1hr 50mins early.

I was eating cup noodles and i sneezed, and a noodle came outta my nose and i ate it.


I accidentally flung my chopsticks across the table and nearly blinded some girl (the same aforementioned chopsticks i used to eat booger noodles)

I uncapped my pen to draw all over zs's book, but i forgot daryl had broken said pen and ink was all over my hands.

As the saying goes: "The shit has hit the fan." But admittedly i enjoy such daily calamities, can anyone else boast that such shit happens to them on sucha regular basis?! I think i have a really interesting life. A strange, bizarred, retarded life, but interesting none the less. Hope more shit happens tomorrow :D

P.S: I tried to scare a friend by telling her how creepy clowns are (Imagine: red wig, freakish smile makeup, and yellow teeth) and i had a clown nightmare. (Clowns are SO NOT COOL.)

Cool stuff that happened this week.

(Please click picture to full view)


I beat every single character in KOF XI at the arcade cept for the boss by just squatting and rapidly tapping D.

I didnt have dinner on Sunday, but i ate so much dinner on Monday that i came the closest to throwing up since the last time i did actually throw up.

I played Burnout for 3 hours but couldnt win a single race, got pissed and almost turned Super Saiyan.

People. Tagged. My. Blog. ( I cant believe it either, it's surreal)

Okay that's it for the updates, time to start the post proper.

So today in Comm skill's class i was doodling in my textbook (I was drawing a Picasso-style Zhan Sheng). Then Mr.Puru, my bald teacher, came over and he was like "Hey, are you drawing me?!" and he looked angry. Then i replied "No sir, the guy in the picture has hair." And everyone rofl'd and he kept quiet.

I think it's these stunts i pull that give me bad rep with all the teachers. I'm a fuckin retard, really. But it's just too funny and i can't resist being a wiseguy/smartass/heckler/bitch.

See, teachers always see me rollin', and they hatin', patrollin', tryna catch me ridin' dirty. And they usually do catch me ridin' dirty. But as much as i love substituting the letter G with ', i don't think i have enough "street cred" to talk cool like that daddy o'. No, no, that is not an instance where you substitute the ' with a g. That would make it daddy og. Which makes close to no sense.

Which would not set it so far apart from the rest of this post.


I should stop writing now and run away with whatever credibility i have left.

OH SHI-