SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAME!

You give luuurve... a BAD NAME!! *rawkin guitars wail*

I started off pretty randomly, but i think it goes unanimously that is the single best way to start off a blog post.

Anywhunk, it has been a horrible week for me. Stuff keeps going wrong, i mean i can tank one or two bad occurences, but like 6 or 7? Even the sweet smiling Kuanyi you all know and love can quickly turn into a very angry emo mascara-wearing raging... something. I started off with too many verbs, look where it got me.

Yeah, one of my biggest worries would be me getting a new handphone. Took 4 visits over the course of a week to FINALLY return victorious, with a Sony Ericsson S500i held gloriously above my head.

1st trip, i realised the line was under my dad's name, so i couldnt upgrade my phone without a letter of approval from him.

2nd trip, i realised that in order to upgrade my phone, i needed to wait 21 months, not twelve, before i was eligible for the discount. I was 2 months short on my line.

3rd trip, my sis let me use her line to upgrade my phone, but that FAT, UGLY, PIMPLY, MENTALLY CHALLENGED, BARREN PSYCHOPATHICAL BITCH (wow! many many verbs) at the Singtel shop in Bugis REFUSED to let me change my phone. Why? Because apparently, theres a hidden rule about phone changing in Singtel. I have to be 21 to collect the phone on my dad's behalf. I am 23 days shy of being 21. But the bitch wouldn't let me. And she was rude too. She was like snappy, and was like "I don't have time for you now. NEXT." I nearly snapped her spinal cord in half. If my martial arts master hadn't made me swore on his death bed to never use my Shaolin Kuanyi Fist of Sodomy on civilians, the bitch would be dead.

So anywuluka, i then went to the arcade with you loon, indera and sebastian to play drummania to vent frustration by hitting the drumset way harder than it should be, and by playing marvel vs capcom 2 with the fury of the Hulk. You know the Hulk, right? Not the pussy from the movie. I'm talkin about the comic book Hulk. The one with fuckin' hardcore veins poppin' out of every temple, with furious eyes and the clenched teeth that just say "Ima fukkin dislocate every bone in your body." I actually beat indera and you loon today. Maybe by channeling my rage, i actually became stronger. That or the 3 hours i put in a week training the game at home. Anyway, after they left, i decided to try going to the Singtel Hello shop in Orchard to try changing my phone there. But i needed a game plan. And i had to dig deep to utilise my most deadly asset. Well, second most deadly. Not allowed to use the first. Dead master, swore on death bed, etc.

So there i was, singtel shop in Orchard. I saw two information counter staff: one male, one female. The male was pimply, be-spectacled, and looked overall like a freak. The female was borderline attractive, and a prime target for my trump card. I waited in line till the guy was preoccupied, and went to the female to deploy my death laser.

So here is how you do it. Here is how you act cute your way to a new mobile phone. Not everyone can pull it off. Mostly, you need no dignity whatsoever.

It begins with pretending to trip, and then smiling sheepishly and saying "oops." Shrug with a twisted mouth. If she smiles, JACKPOT. This is where you employ step number two. Speak clearly, declaring what you want. But don't come on all demanding. "Is that okay?" in an almost "i'll cry if you say i can't" way is a good start. If she smiles and says "Of course", JACKPOT. This is where step three, possibly the MOST CRUCIAL part of this excercise, comes into play. DISTRACTION. I don't like whining in front of singtel shops like "awww, PLEASE, ONLY 23 DAYS MOREEE" is alittle demeaning, even for me. So i made small talk. What the small talk was about is between me and her. After my "performance", Zhi wei appeared out of nowhere with his aunt, and said he had come to get a new phone too. Luckily he wasn't there for my first act. But when i had to see the next customer service officer, he caught a glimpse. I gave her the ol' puppy dog eyes, just in case. He laughed at me and said "wtf r u doing". WELL WHO IS LAUGHING NOW, I HAS A NEW PHONE LOLOLOL.

I can see it. All of you. Silently judging me.